


not long enough to reach

by serendipity_13



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cancer, F/M, Language, Mentions of Sex, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-24 08:20:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13209732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipity_13/pseuds/serendipity_13
Summary: “Clarke, why the hell are you joking around right now? This is serious, cut it out.”Her eyes widened and she huffed. “Sorry, King Blake, I wasn’t aware that you were in charge of me.”“Well I’m sorry that I’m trying to take this seriously-”“WellI'msorry that I’m freaking out right now and the only way I can deal with this is to pretend like it’s not as bad as it is!”Or, Clarke is diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.





	not long enough to reach

**Author's Note:**

> A note from my rough draft: basically she’s in denial and trying to be strong as fuck because she’s Clarke Griffin and Clarke Griffin isn’t weak
> 
> Title and lyric from Blood by The Middle East

_And the cancer spread and it ran into her body and her blood, and there's nothing you can do about it now._

_\- - - -_

**december**  

He looked up from the stack of papers he was grading when the phone started to buzz against his thigh and answered without looking. “Hello?”

“Bellamy? Hey, this is Maya.” He pulled the phone away from his ear long enough to recognize Clarke’s phone case instead of his own simple black cover. He brought it back to his ear when he heard muffled speaking but only soon enough to catch the end of Maya’s sentence. “-Clarke around?”

 Bellamy leaned back on the couch and looked down the hall, noticing that the light in his bedroom was off. “I think she’s napping, what’s up? I can go get her if this is something for work.”

“No, don’t worry about that, she needs to sleep. I just wanted to tell her that I found her watch in the imaging room after her scan this morning, she must have forgotten to grab it before she left.” He could hear a door closing and Maya’s footsteps. “Anyway, Jasper and I are going to head to the airport after my shift ends in an hour, and I didn’t think she would want to be without it for a week. I’m leaving it in my locker, if you could tell her that and let her know that the code is Jasper’s birthday I would really appreciate it!”

 There was a pause and he realized that he was supposed to say something. Still confused about what Maya meant by Clarke’s scan, he managed to mumble, “Yeah, no problem,” before she said goodbye and hung up. 

 Clarke woke up an hour later, dragging her feet to the kitchen and drowning in one of his pajama shirts. “You ready for dinner?” she called from her spot in front of the coffee maker. He pushed his grading aside, not having really managed to get anything done since Maya’s call anyway, and made his way into the kitchen to stand behind her. He wrapped his arms around her waist, leaning down to press a kiss to the skin of her shoulder where it peeked out from the way the large shirt hung on her body. 

 “How was your day?” he asked, trying to keep an unassuming tone. 

 She leaned back into his chest, a mug now in her hands, and hummed before answering. “Exhausting. Raven won’t admit it but she’s quickly assuming the role of Bridezilla so shopping with her is becoming more and more stressful.”

 He snorted, his hands beginning to slowly run along her sides. “Roan is just as bad, which is hilarious, because the wedding isn’t even for another year.” She groaned, bringing the cup up to sip slowly. “So, hey, Maya called earlier. Did you get called into work this morning? I thought today was your day off.” Bellamy felt her shoulders go tense against his chest. 

 “Uh, yeah, I had to run in for a bit to look over this case Kane assigned me.”

 His eyes narrowed out of her view and he tried not to assume the worst, knowing that she was lying to him. “Maya said you were in imaging for a scan. You left your watch.”

 “Oh, uh-“ she started to wiggle in his grasp, leaning forward to set her mug on the counter and break free from his hold so she could move to the fridge, still not looking at him. Opening the fridge, she said, “I had to help her with a patient before I left, it was a kid, he was pretty nervous. The machine’s are always scary for the younger kids.”

 “Clarke.”

 She finally turned, face scrunched, and let out a huff. “What, Bellamy? I had to go in, Maya needed help, I left and met Raven. Do you need to call her to check in and make sure I’m not lying?” He sighed. “It was nothing, but Raven and I had to skip lunch to get to her appointment with the venue on time, so I’m starving. Can we eat now?”

 He studied her a moment longer, sighing again before he dropped the subject and moved to the sink to wash his hands. 

 

 

With first semester finals approaching, Bellamy grew busy and forgot about his conversation with Maya. His students had been working on group projects and presentations had just finished, leaving him with a stack of papers and slides to grade before their test the next week.

He heard the front door close and then, “Bell? Where are you? I need to vent.” Clarke found him in the room he had deemed his office after moving in but rarely used. She gasped as she stuck her head in the room before leaning against the doorframe. “Do my eyes deceive me? Are you actually using a desk to grade?”

He rolled his eyes, only glancing up for a second to acknowledge her. “Ha. I’ve got a ton of stuff to finish this weekend, I figured it was fitting to trap myself in here until I got it all done.”

She wandered in, placing her hand on the back of the chair to spin it around. “As much fun as that sounds, I need you to focus on me for a second. I had lunch with my mother today and I have so much to bitch ab-“ She cut herself off with a quiet moan, hand going to her stomach. He watched her take a deep breath before she looked back up. “About. Want to order take out or should I just go raid the cabinets for snacks?” 

Clarke winced again, though this time she waited until she was done speaking and she tried to cover it up by shifting to sit on his lap, turning her face away from him. “You okay there?” Bellamy asked softly. “Cramps?”

 She shook her head and smiled, though it was small and tight. “Yeah, guess it must be.”

 “Clarke?” He tried to turn her in his lap so she was facing him again, but instead she pulled away from his grasp to stand. 

 Hands on her hips, smile still too fake, she asked, “So what do you say? I’m feeling Thai but we can do something else if you want, I picked last time.”

 “Clarke.”

 She groaned, arms dropping before she stepped back into his space and grabbed his face with both hands. “Bell. I want food and to rant about my mother. Do not deny me either of those things.” She leaned down to quickly kiss him and then left the study, calling out, “I’m getting Thai!”

 

  

He woke up in the middle of the night to Clarke curled in a tight ball on the far side of the bed, muffled cries breaking the silence every so often. Still groggy, he mumbled, “Clarke?”

 She sniffled for a moment, clearing her voice. “Bell, I’m okay, go back to sleep.”

 “Clarke, what’s wrong?” He leaned over to turn on the lamp, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes before he pulled on his glasses. With the light, he was able to see her body scrunched up under the blankets, her hands shaking where they peeked out from under the sheet. He got up and walked to the other side of the bed, kneeling down so he could see her face. Her skin was paler than normal and seemed to be slick, whether with tears or sweat he didn’t know. “Baby, please, talk to me,” he murmured.

 She tried to smile. “Just bad cramps, you know how they can get.” She grimaced and clutched at her stomach, using the blankets as a shield to hide that from him. “Could you rub my head for a little? It might help.”

 He frowned, but got back in bed, pulling her over to lay her head against his stomach. She wrapped her body around his, arms going around his hips. It didn’t take her long to fall asleep as he rubbed her forehead and played with the ends of her hair, but Bellamy didn’t get back to sleep for hours. 

 

 

“Has Clarke been acting weird to you?”

 Bellamy rolled his eyes, shifting the phone until it sat between his ear and his shoulder so he could finish chopping the pepper in front of him. “Hello to you too, O.”

 “Yeah, hi, whatever. I saw you yesterday, we don’t need to do the small talk. What’s up with Clarke?”

 He sighed, dumping the vegetables from the cutting board into a pan so he could grab the phone again. “Honestly, I have no idea. She’s been off for the last few weeks but every time I try to bring it up she just changes the subject. Why, what happened to make you think something was up?”

 “Tbh that sounds like typical shady Clarke, but I overheard her scheduling a doctors appointment that ‘Chief Griffin can’t find out about,’ her words. What could that be about?”

 Bellamy pulled a hand across his face, a headache beginning to form as he scrunched his eyebrows together for what seemed like the millionth time that week. “I have no fucking clue, O. What if something’s really wrong and she won’t let me in?”

 It took Octavia a moment to respond, but she finally said, “Don’t worry about it, Bell. I’m sure Clarke would tell us if there was something we need to know about. Maybe it’s just a case she’s trying to hide from her mom, like remember that one time the IT guy passed out and he didn’t have insurance so she treated him in the supply closet so Abby wouldn’t find out?” At his hum of agreement, she added, “Probably just something harmless like that,” though she didn’t sound very confident in her words.

  

 

Bellamy was at the grocery store when his phone rang, his favorite picture of Clarke flashing across the screen. “Hey babe, I’m at the store, what do you want for dinner?”

 He heard a snort across the line. “Hey, _babe_ , it’s Raven. Clarke left her phone in my car, she said she was going to head to your place after I dropped her off so I assumed she was with you.”

 “Nope, haven’t seen her today. She said you guys were spending the day together because she missed seeing your face outside of wedding planning meetings.” He grabbed a box of almond milk and slipped it into the cart, along with the multi-grain Cheerios he knew Clarke secretly loved. “I assumed she was spending the night too.”

 Raven hummed on the other line. “Yeah, no, she lied to you. I picked her up from the hospital around noon, we got lunch, and then I dropped her off. Are you guys fighting or something?”

 Bellamy stopped the cart in the middle of the aisle, eyebrows pulled together tightly. “No, we’re not.”

 “Wonder what’s up with her then.” He heard the sounds of metal coming from her side of the call. “I have to go, I’m at the shop for my last shift before the holiday. If you see Clarke, tell her she can stop by for her phone. If I don’t hear from her before I get off I’ll just bring it by your place on my way to Roan’s.”

 It took a moment for Bellamy to respond with, “Ok, thanks.”

 “No problem, Big Blake. Hope you figure out what’s up. Bye.” She hung up before he could say anything else, and he mindlessly wandered around the store, filling his cart with ingredients without any purpose. 

 He paid for the items and drove home on autopilot, only breaking out of his head when he saw Clarke’s car in the driveway. Bellamy filled his arms with the grocery bags so he only had to make one trip, struggling for a moment to unlock the front door without dropping the eggs. Once inside, he called out, “Clarke? Where are you?” She didn’t respond, so he moved to the kitchen to drop off the groceries, figuring that she was taking another nap. 

 After all of the refrigerated items had been put away, he wandered into the living room, intending to go check on Clarke in his bed. He stopped when he saw her sitting in the corner of the couch, an empty look on her tired face. 

 “Clarke? I thought you were asleep, why didn’t you say anything when I got home?”

 She continued to stare blankly at the bookshelf across the room, and for a long moment he didn’t think she was going to say anything. Finally, voice clear and steady, she said, “I have cancer.”

 “What?” Bellamy felt his legs start to weaken from holding his weight, and he moved to sit on the recliner. When she didn’t say anything, he again prompted, “What?”

 She seemed to shake herself out of her trance, finally turning to look at him. “The abdominal pain, it’s cancer. I’ve had a few different tests done in the last month, and I got the official diagnosis today.” When she saw his face begin to crumple, she smiled softly. “It’s okay, Bellamy.”

 “Fuck, no it’s not, Clarke. Shit.” He took a deep breath and ran his hands over his face a few times, swiping away the tears that had started to form. “Are you sure?”

 She snorted. “Yeah, pretty sure. I did go to med school, you know. I’ve kind of suspected since it started, but I was in pretty deep denial. This is a really shitty Christmas gift, I think in my mind I was hoping that I could at least keep pretending until the end of the holidays. Surprise, my body doesn’t agree with me.”

 “Clarke, why the hell are you joking around right now? This is serious, cut the bullshit.”

 Her eyes widened and she huffed. “Sorry, King Blake, I wasn’t aware that you were in charge of me.”

 “Well I’m sorry that I’m trying to take this seriously-”

 “Well _I’m_ sorry that I’m fucking freaking out right now and the only way I can deal with this is to pretend like it’s not as bad as it is!” She broke after she got the last word out, and her posture crumpled. He could hear her sniffling under the curtain of hair blocking her face from his view.

 “Baby, don’t cry, I’m sorry.” Bellamy moved so he was sitting next to her and pulled her shaking body onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he could feel the wetness forming on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Clarke, I’m so sorry.”

 He doesn’t know how long they sat there, her arms locked fiercely around his neck, his around her waist, but he waited until he was sure she had cried herself to sleep to stand and carry her down the hall to his bedroom. 

Clarke started to stir as he laid her on the bed. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

 He raised his eyebrows. “Why are you sorry?” he quietly asked, climbing into the bed next to her after pulling his shoes off. 

 “I told myself I wasn’t going to flip out when I told you. I didn’t want to make you upset.”

 “You’re such a fucking martyr.” He couldn’t keep the affection from his voice as he pulled her into his chest. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow, Clarke. Get some rest. Love you.”

 She managed to mumble ‘love you’ back before she fell asleep. 

\- - - -

**january**

 A few days after New Years found Bellamy standing on the Griffin’s front porch. Abby let him in and smiled sadly. “Coffee?” He nodded, glancing over at the stairs before following her to the kitchen. “She’s had a rough few days with the beginning of treatment, and I think the diagnosis is really affecting her right now. She didn’t want to see me yesterday, I had to sneak in when she was napping to leave food and water.”

 He took the mug she held out, sipping slowly. “She hasn’t been returning my calls. I know she’s upset, so I figured that if she didn’t want to see me in person today, I’ll just back off for a while. I’m sure I wouldn’t be chipper and sociable if I was in her place.”

 Abby looked at him over the rim of her mug as she took a drink. As she slowly set it down, she said, “I’m really glad she has you, Bellamy. Don’t let her grizzly bear mentality scare you away, okay? If she won’t let me in, I want you to be there.” Her eyes stayed on his until he nodded. “Her room is the second door on the left upstairs if you forgot, can you bring her a cup of tea?”

 “Of course,” he responded as he set down his coffee. She filled a mug with hot water from the kettle on the stove, reaching into the cabinet to grab a tea bag before handing him both. “I’ll call you if she needs anything else.”

Abby smiled and set her hand on the side of his arm for a moment. “Thank you.”

Bellamy turned, taking the cup up the stairs slowly. When he got to Clarke’s room, he knocked gently before opening the door. She wasn’t in her bed, but he saw that the door to the connected bathroom was closed and, when he listened, he could hear the muffled sound of the shower. 

He set the mug down on her nightstand and walked toward the bathroom. He knocked again. “Clarke? It’s me, can I come in?” When she didn’t respond, his heart sped up and he turned the knob, thankful that it opened easily. 

His heartbeat returned to normal, but then immediately dropped as soon as he saw her lying on the tile, haphazardly wrapped in a large towel, hair damp. He dropped to his knees next to her, rolling her over.

Her face was red and tears were trapped in the corners of her eyes. “Clarke? What happened?” He lifted her body ( _when had she lost so much weight?_ ) so she was sitting and pulled her against his chest. He took her hand and ran the fingers of his free hand through her tangled hair. 

She took a minute, but eventually spoke. “I just wanted to take a shower.” Her voice was rough with disuse, like she hadn’t spoken in days. “I feel like complete shit, and I just wanted to take a shower so I could feel just a little bit better.”

“Why are you on the floor?” He stopped playing with her hair to instead rub her temples the way his mom had liked when she was at her sickest. He felt her relax against his chest.

A few tears escaped her eyes before she responded, her voice breaking every few words. “I couldn’t fucking do it, that’s why. I couldn’t take a god damned shower like a normal fucking human being without getting lightheaded and feeling like I was going to pass out.” She sunk further into his chest, the hand that wasn’t in his coming up to cover her face. “I’m so fucking tired, Bell. I just wanted this one thing to be normal.”

He was silent for a moment, looking down at her, finally realizing how frail and exhausted she truly looked. _How had he missed it? She had been in pain for so long, why hadn’t he noticed any of the signs? Why hadn’t he forced her to get checked out so much earlier? What if that could have changed something, made this easier? Why hadn’t he noticed?_

“Can I help you?” Bellamy finally asked.

She leaned her head back against his shoulder, looking up at him under her eyelashes. She let herself nod once, and then again as she started to cry again. “Yes please.” He dropped a kiss on her nose, separating their hands so he could wipe the tear tracks from her eyes. “I love you so much, I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you,” she whispered.

“Princess, you could ignore me every day for the rest of my life and it still wouldn’t change the way I feel about you.” He tightened his arm around her waist.

Her hand came up around his neck to pull him towards her and her dry lips connected with his. The kiss was short, but it made him feel more hopeful than he had for a while. 

He let the moment be for a minute, and then murmured, “Have you considered brushing your teeth, babe?”

“I hate you,” she groaned as she dropped her arm and pinched his chest through his shirt. He smirked and pulled himself out from behind her, watching as she scooted closer to the cabinet to support her back as he stood. When he pulled his shirt off in a quick, fluid movement, her eyebrows raised. “What do you think you’re doing there, buddy?”

He moved to turn the handle so the shower water stopped and the bathtub filled instead. “I think we’re going to get you clean, Clarke.” He checked the stopper, and when he was sure it was closed and the bath would fill, he stepped back toward her.

Clarke let out a weak whistle when his hands went to his belt buckle. “Are you sure we can’t just be dirty?” she said dryly, her lips raising in the corner as he rolled his eyes. 

He pulled his jeans off, and when he was saw that the bath was filled, he shut the water off before pulling his boxer briefs down too. Clarke groaned behind him and he turned to see her frowning. 

“I’m so pissed, I don’t even have enough energy to get you off, and I so, _so_ want to.” 

He grinned smugly and sat down in the tub. “Come on, Princess, shed the towel and get in. I’ll wash your hair.” She pushed herself to her knees, using the counter to pull herself up, the towel falling to the floor. He frowned as she turned to walk towards the bath.

“Well try not to look too disappointed, I’m naked and that’s really a blow to my self-esteem, asshat.”

She held on to the curtain rod above as she lifted her legs one at a time until she was in the water, grabbing his shoulders to lower herself so she was sitting in front of him. “When did you lose so much weight, Clarke?” he asked quietly. She looked down.

“It’s Stage IV, Bellamy,” she finally responded, swishing her hand around in the warm water. “My mom is the only one I told.” She looked back up at him, fear painted on her features. “I’m so scared.” Her voice sounded weak and his heart broke again. 

“Come here,” he murmured, grabbing her arm so he could turn her hips so she was sitting against his chest, his legs on either side of her body. She let her head rest on his shoulder, and he grabbed both of her hands, wrapping their linked arms around her. 

He held her tightly, trying to school his expression to one of support and to keep his own eyes dry after her confession. He gave himself a minute to be scared, then smiled softly down at her and started to get her hair wet.

**\- - - -**

**february**

"Do you know what this means?" she asked quietly, curled up into his side as they watched Ancient Aliens two months into the new year.

He hummed. "That Hitler may have used alien technology for some of his experiments? That's pretty freaky."

She rolled her eyes and jabbed her bony elbow into his side. 

"Ow, what the hell was that for?"

She reached forward to grab the remote and pause the episode before turning so she was facing Bellamy. Grabbing his knee, she bit her lip and looked at him. "No joking for like 10 minutes, please, I need to have a serious talk with you.”

“I’m always serious, what are you talking about?” He made a series of funny faces at her until she sighed. 

“Bellamy.”

He stopped when he saw the expression on her face. “I’m done. What’s up?" he asked as he turned his body and grabbed her hand from his knee, enveloping her small fingers with his. 

She scrunched her face and let out a deep breath. "Okay this is kind of awkward because we're only dating and I don't want to shove anything at you that you weren't thinking about or feeling, but advanced cancer kind of makes you consider the future in ways you haven't before." He opened his mouth and she held up her hand to stop him. "Give me a second to try to get this out? I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now and it's driving me insane not being able to talk about it with you."

Bellamy nodded and closed his mouth, leaning further into the couch cushions and pulling Clarke with him.

"Okay, I guess here goes then." She let out another breath and looked into his eyes. "I love you and, before, I kind of figured that we would get married someday. I also know how much you love kids and that you want an army of your own, but..." 

She looked up, and when he didn't look like he was following, she sighed in exasperation.

"My uterus is being removed to try to remove the cancer, Bellamy. If all goes well and I make it through treatment, I can't have kids." He still didn't look upset like she had imagined he would, and she groaned. "Why aren't you getting upset? I figured we would be planning how to split up the furniture in the move by now."

He ran his free hand over his confused face, stopping to scratch the scruff that was forming on his chin. "Clarke, why the hell would we be doing that?"

"Bellamy, listen to me - I will not be physically able to deliver your babies. We have no future when it comes to babies that are half you and half me. You will have to go elsewhere to find a uterus to house your sperm. Maybe you're just not worried because you didn't ever think about that when it came to us, I don't know, but I kind of had plans for us to be married with kids sometime within the next 10 years-"

He laughed, and at that noise she looked up from her lap. 

"Why are you laughing at me? I'm not kidding, this is serious-"

He pulled her into his lap. "Oh my god, Clarke, I don't care if you won't be able to personally deliver my kids. I'm in this relationship for you, not your eggs. You do have great genes, and any kid we had would have been a gorgeous powerhouse, but I'm not going to break up with you just because you won't have your uterus in a few weeks. I told you when you got the diagnosis that I'm going to be with you every step of the way, and I meant it, Princess.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, skeptical.

“Did Hitler use alien technology to-“ she jabbed him in the stomach and he laughed. “Yes, I’m sure, Princess. I’m in it for the long haul.”

She found his hand and linked their fingers. “I love you,” she finally muttered.

“I love you too.” He kissed her gently and then pulled back slightly, his forehead still against hers. “By the way, if we did split up, there would be no arguing over furniture; it’s all mine.”

Clarke pulled back and pushed his shoulder. “What! That’s not fair.”

He couldn’t stop his laugh. “Clarke, it’s my house! I bought all of this. You have your own apartment.”

“But.. I love this couch,” she pouted. Mumbling, she added, “I basically live here anyway.”

He didn’t stop to think when he said, “Yeah, you do, so why don’t you just officially move in? All that’s left at your apartment are towels and an old toothbrush, the rest of your shit is already here.” When she hesitated, he pinched her side. “Come on, Princess. We just had an adult conversation about kids, if you still don’t think I’m serious about us then something else is wrong.”

“You’re sure?” She bit her bottom lip.

Before, he probably would have stopped to ‘think’ about it and make her nervous, but in this moment he had so much love for this ridiculous girl. “I’m sure.”

She grinned. “I’ll let my landlord know.” After another quick kiss, she reached for the remote, but his hand stopped her.

“One last order of business before we can learn more about the partnership between Germany and aliens.” She turned in his lap so she could better face him.

“Shoot.”

He hooked his arm around her legs, his thumb gently rubbing circles on the back of her thigh. “Since we did just talk about kids, and since you have _finally_ agreed to live with me, what do you say to just making one more important decision?” He glanced down and noticed that her eyes looked panicked, but ignore it and continued. “Clarke, will you-“

“Stop.” Her voice wobbled. “I know what you’re going to say, Bellamy, and I want so badly to let you say it, but you can’t.”

He sighed. “Clarke-“

“No. No, I will not let you do this.”

His eyebrows narrowed. “Why not?” His voice was gentle, but he was having a hard time keeping his frustration hidden. 

“Bellamy, you can’t think that this is smart. Not now.” She pulled his arm off of her legs and started to unwind from the ball she had curled into on his lap. “Please don’t do this.”

He ran his hands over his face. “What the hell, Clarke? Why are you doing this?” She opened her mouth and he could see a rant ready on the tip of her tongue. “No. Stop right there. Don’t try to lecture me, because, yeah, I know why. I just don’t understand why you’re letting it get to you?”

“Because, Bellamy-“

“Because what? Because I bought you a god damned ring last year and have been waiting for the perfect time to give it to you. Last year, meaning before the diagnosis, meaning this isn’t fucking pity. You keep thinking that every time someone wants to do something for you, it’s out of pity, but I loved you long before we knew, Clarke, and it hurts that you keep pushing me away because of this.”

Her face was blank and he took a deep breath. “It’s because I’m a time bomb, Bellamy,” she said quietly. His face softened. “I know that I’m handling everything terribly, and that all I’ve been doing is pushing people away, but it’s because I’m terrified of what’s going to happen if I’m not part of the 16% that make it. I don’t want you to propose because I don’t want you to be a widower before you turn 40.

“I don’t want you to invest too much into someone who who may not be here for much longer. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about kids, and that’s why it took me _so fucking long_ to do it. Moving in is just… different, I can’t explain it. I know that your life would probably be better if you weren’t attached to me right now at all, but I’m selfish as hell and don’t want to let you go completely. If you want to leave, please tell me and I will let you, but I can’t be the one to push you away.

“Still, I don’t want you to propose because I can’t help but think about what it will mean for you if I don’t make it to my 80s.”

As much as he wanted to grab her and hug her as tightly as possible, he couldn’t let this go. “You said earlier that you saw us married with kids in 10 years. Why would you say that if you won’t let me try?” His tone was gentle, but he wanted to scream. “You don’t get to do this, Clarke.”

She rubbed her hands harshly across her face. “I _wanted_ that for us, Bellamy, but at this rate…” It was a long moment before she went on. “The chemo hasn’t been as effective as it should have been by this point. It’s working, but not as well as Tsing hoped. If the surgery doesn’t go as planned, radiation will be my last option, and I really don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through that.” She was crying now, and he pulled her hands away from her face to hold them tightly.

“God, Clarke, I kind of want to punch you right now. Don’t fucking say that. You are the strongest person I know, and you’ve met my sister.” She let out a watery laugh and rolled her eyes. “If you don’t want to do the treatment because of quality of life, that’s fine, you can make that decision when the time comes. But you can’t make the decision to cut me out of your life just because you’re scared. I’m so fucking scared for you, Clarke. The day I found out, I was fucking terrified, I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to comfort you the way you needed. I almost left so I could find somewhere to try to process everything.

“But Clarke, like I said when you were worried about the kids, I am so ridiculously in love with you, it probably isn’t healthy. I honestly don’t know that I could ever find someone that I loved in the same way I love you. So stop fucking worrying about my future when you don’t even know what’s going to happen. I love you now and I loved you when I bought the ring and I will love you after your surgery, no matter what Dr. Tsing tells us. Now will you stop worrying about the shitty what-ifs and just agree to marry me already?”

“Well…”

“Clarke,” his voice was stern.

She bit her bottom lip again. “Can I see the ring before I say yes? Because that may change my-“

“Oh my god,” he groaned. “I take it back, I don’t want to marry you. Go away.” He pushed her shoulder and sat back on the couch. 

She grinned and leaned in to kiss him. “I would love to marry you, Bellamy.” He responded and started to pull her back onto his lap when she mumbled against his lips. “Seriously, can I see the ring?”

 

 

Raven helped Clarke move the rest of her things to Bellamy’s place that weekend after telling her landlord she wouldn’t be renewing her lease the following month. They got married at the courthouse a week later after Bellamy woke her up one afternoon from a nap to tell her he didn’t want to not be married to her any longer.

 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Bellamy heard his sister approach their table at Grounders before he saw her, but when he turned he could see the rage present on her features. “You bitches didn’t think to tell any of us? Or at least invite _me,_ your actual only living relative?”

Lincoln took his place standing behind the brunette, his arms wrapping around her shoulders. “Sorry, I told her in the car that she needed to be calm, but. Congrats, guys.”

“Linc, stop, make them answer for their mistake.” Octavia flipped her head back toward them, her hair following suit. “Well? What’s your excuse?”

“Octavia, we didn’t tell anyone, it was kind of last minute,” Clarke tried to reason, a wry smile on her face that hadn’t left since they entered the courthouse hours before. “Miller only knows because he was literally in the room when Bellamy suggested it, and we needed a witness.”

“ _Nate_ knew about this before I did?” Her shrill voice attracted the attention of other patrons, and Bellamy dropped his head into his hands. 

She continued her rant, much to his annoyance, until Raven’s cheers interrupted her. “Shots on me, bitches!” She set the tray on their table and Bellamy looked up to see the rest of their group of delinquents following behind her. “Damn, I don’t think any of us thought we’d ever actually see this happen. So proud of you guys.”

Clarke stood and pushed past Octavia to hug her best friend. “Thanks, Rey. I can’t get drunk but I’m feeling good today and I am down to party. Bell has already used up the two dances he promised me, will you come with?” Raven took a shot and followed Clarke to the dance floor, Bellamy looking after her. 

“Put your heart eyes away, man, and just follow her out there.” Miller slid into the booth next to Bellamy and took a pull from his beer. “This might be her only good day this week, you really want to continue to be a stubborn ass instead of spending it with her?”

Really, that was all of the push Bellamy needed to follow the girls out on to the floor where they were dancing to some song he was sure Octavia had blasted through the house during her middle school angst. The look of pure joy on Clarke’s face when she saw him come over was definitely worth looking like an idiot in front of strangers. 

\- - - -

**march**

Bellamy walked into their room after eating his dinner to find Clarke pulling on her favorite blue sweater. “Getting dressed up for our Making a Murderer marathon, babe? Because I was actually planning on sweatpants, but I guess I can try to look nicer.”

She ignored him as she grabbed her flats from the top of the dresser. 

“What are you doing?”

She started to wobble, but stood straight as soon as she realized, then went to the bed to sit and put the shoes on. “I’m going to Octavia’s show,” Clarke finally answered. “I’m in the mood for bad hip hops songs I can sing along to, and I haven’t seen her in weeks because she’s been so busy with rehearsals. I shouldn’t be gone long, we can still watch the show if you want when I get back.” She finally looked up and saw his glare.

“Clarke, what the fuck, you can’t go.”

She narrowed her eyes as she slid her second shoe on. “Bellamy, what the fuck, you’re not my master. I can do what I want, thanks though.” When she stood to reach for her purse, she had to lean against the wall to steady herself before she turned for the door. 

His hand wrapped around her upper arm. “Clarke, seriously? I have watched you nearly fall twice since I walked into the room. Come on, just sit down, O will have other shows.”

“Well, I’m going to this one, and I’ll go to the others too.” She pulled her arm from his grip and walked into the hall, Bellamy not far behind. “You can come with me, but you can’t stop me, Bellamy. I’m going to that show and I’m going to have a good night whether you are there or not.”

She didn’t look at him as she wandered around the living room, grabbing random things and shoving them into her purse. Finally, she looked up as she moved toward the door to grab her coat and scarf. 

“Are you coming? I’m going to be late if I don’t leave now.”

He scoffed. “Are you fucking kidding?” Letting out a deep sigh as he ran his hand over his cheek, he added, “Why the hell are you acting like this, Clarke? Come on. Sit down, take off the shoes, and let’s watch the documentary.”

“I’m leaving, I’ll be back by 10,” she said with a glare.

He moved to grab her purse; she stepped to the side and toward the door, avoiding his hand. “Clarke. Whatever it is that you’re trying to prove here by going to the show, just stop. You can’t go. Sit on the damn couch.” 

“Bye, asshole.” She slammed the door on her way out.

Bellamy let out a loud groan, his hands going to his head to pull at his curls. After taking a deep breath, he moved to grab his pile of essays from the kitchen counter and took them to the couch, sitting down and setting up his Netflix queue. 

He had made it through half of his stack when his phone buzzed.

**Octavia** , **9:03pm** : Where are u?? Clarke is otw to the hospital

He dropped his pen and hit the mute button on the remote while he dialed her number. When she finally answered, he tried to reign in his panic as he said, “O, what happened? Which hospital?”

“I’m with her, we’re with Abby. I didn’t see it happen, but I guess she fainted in the middle of the show. The guy standing next to her called the ambulance and Raven came to get me. Her blood counts and fluids are low, so they’re keeping her here for a while until they can get her numbers back up. Why weren’t you with her?”

He cursed under his breath as he slipped his sneakers on, grabbing his wallet and keys. “Because she was being her usual stubborn self and decided it was smart for her to go out instead of staying in like we were supposed to. I didn’t realize Raven was going with her though.”

“Well luckily she did. Raven’s in the lobby now, find her when you get here and she can bring you to the room.”

He was quiet for a moment after he closed the door, leaning against it, eyes closed. “Thank you, O. I’m glad she has the two of you,” he whispered.

“We love her too, Bell. Now stop talking to me and get over here. Drive safe, I’ll let her know you’re coming; see you soon.” She hung up and he moved to his car parked on the street in front of the house. 

He found Raven in the waiting room easily once he arrived, and she led him down a hall he was far too familiar with for comfort. 

“O went to the cafeteria to get Clarke soup, so she’s alone right now. Also she’s super pissy, so, beware.”

He snorted. “Thanks for the warning.” Raven smirked and turned, walking back toward the lobby. He knocked gently before opening the door to the small room, his face dropping when he saw her in the bed in the corner; still, he was deadpan when he asked “Having a fun night, Princess?”

She turned to lay on her side, facing him. “Shut the hell up, asshat. You told me so, you win. I am too weak to function like a normal human any day of the week, congrats.”

“Clarke.” His voice was firm now as he walked toward her, pulling the chair from the opposite corner so he could sit next to her. He grabbed her hand, thumb stroking the inside of her wrist where it wasn’t covered in IVs.

“You sure have been saying my name like that a lot lately. Makes me feel like a child again being chastised by my mother for playing outside in my new dress, instead of being addressed by my husband.” He frowned, and she did the same. “I’m sorry for being dumb earlier. I shouldn’t have tried to leave, especially when I knew that I hadn’t had such a great morning.”

His free hand went to her hair, brushing it away from her forehead. “I shouldn’t have been so adamant against you going. If I had gone with you, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now.”

“I’m sorry and I love you,” she murmured, eyes falling closed as he continued to brush his fingers through her hair.

“I’m sorry and I love you,” he echoed back. “Now, as far as O goes-“

She groaned, exerting what energy she had at the moment to roll on to her back. “She’s been nice to me so far, but I’m sure she’s pissed. I ruined her show, and she still hasn’t gotten over the whole wedding thing even though it’s been weeks. I owe her big time.”

 

 

“Do you hate that you haven’t had sex in months?” Clarke asked one night in bed, her warmest pajamas on, legs wrapped around his to try to steal some of his body heat. “I know we’ve stopped since my diagnosis, but even before, when I was in the weird pain-limbo that I never really talked about, I had been avoiding it because I felt like shit. I feel bad, though, if you’re feeling repressed or anything.”

He pulled her closer to his chest, the arm under her head going to play with the ends of her hair. “Clarke, I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“I couldn’t even give you a fun wedding night, though.” A pause, and then she added, “Are you getting off on your own?” His mouth opened in surprise. “I hope so, because as much as I would love to help, my energy levels are so wack these days that it’s-“

He ran his hands over his face in exasperation. “Oh my god Clarke, please stop.” He let out a laugh that was mostly air. “I promise it’s not an issue, okay, babe? My mind has kind of been elsewhere lately, and contrary to popular belief, it is possible for me to keep it in my pants for longer than a week.”

She looked up at him, hand fisting his shirt against his stomach, grumpy. “Fine, but don’t  come crying to me next time you have an itch you can’t scratch by yourself.”

“You are literally the worst,” he grumbled as he leaned over to shut the lamp off. 

She kissed his shoulder. “Maybe, but you love me.”

“Nope. I’m going to bed.”

 

 

That morning Clarke had finished her third round of treatment, and the last before her surgery. Her reaction to the treatment had been worsening, and as soon as she left the cancer center and got home she had gone to bed and slept for hours. 

Bellamy handed her a bowl of chicken noodle soup (minus the chicken, because that was the latest aversion that had appeared, in addition to grapes, rice, broccoli, and sliced cheddar cheese) before climbing in to their bed next to her. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get a sub so I could make it to your session this morning,” he said as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I doubled checked with Dr. Wallace to make sure I have the day of the surgery off, though.”

She let out a deep sigh and pressed the warm bowl against her cheek. “It sucks that, even if the surgery goes as planned, I still have 17 rounds of this shit to go after.”

He had learned to avoid saying _it’ll be worth it_ (“Because what if it’s not, Bell? What if I end up cancer free, but die because I’ve lost the will to keep going? This treatment may kill me slowly”) and instead sat flush against her side, running a gentle hand through her hair. “It really sucks, Clarke.”

She was silent as she started to eat her soup, and he worked on loosening his tie so he could take off his button up. 

“Do you know what cancer is?” she asked as he moved out of bed to pull off his khakis. 

He snorted. “Really shitty?”

“That, yeah.” She grinned lazily at him, before turning back to look contemplatively into her bowl of noodles and broth, stirring it slowly. “But I was actually talking about the science behind it. Cancer is caused by uncontrollable cell division. There’s a lot that goes into it, but basically one of the checkpoints in interphase fucks up and allows a cell to divide over and over, and eventually there are so many cells that don’t belong that things go to shit. I remember learning that freshman year of high school and being amazed that something so minute as a single skipped checkpoint could cause such disastrous results.”

He looked up and saw her smiling self-deprecatingly at her thinning frame. 

“So, my question now, is which of the little fuckers screwed up? My guess is on G2, that little asshole is always missing errors of replication; figures he would let a bad guy through without checking him.”

Bellamy, now in his favorite worn-through shirt and flannel pants, climbed back in bed with her despite the fact that it was only four in the afternoon. He grinned at himself as he said, “I guess he should have checked himself before he wrecked himself, huh?”

She groaned as loudly as she could manage. “Get out of this bed, you dork. Why the hell did I marry you again?”

He stole her spoon to take a bite of the soup. “Because you love me,” he managed to garble, soup and spit dribbling down his chin.

She laughed, though it was clear that she was trying not to. She handed him a tissue from the box at her side. “No, there must have been another reason.”

She smiled as he wiped his face and swallowed the soup, but he saw the change in her face as she started to get sick and he was barely able to grab the bucket next to the bed before she lost what little of the soup she had managed to get down.

\- - - -

**april**

Their friends filtered in and out of the waiting room the morning of the surgery, each stopping by to check in before work or during their lunch break. Miller showed up twenty minutes after Clarke was checked in and still hadn’t left four hours later; while he wouldn’t admit to it, Bellamy suspected he took the day off to watch after him. 

They were engaged in a quiet and pointless argument about which soccer team was better when Abby stepped into the small room and they fell silent. Clarke had asked her not to, but Bellamy knew she had been watching the surgery from one of the learning classrooms since Dr. Tsing scrubbed in.

She slumped into the chair next to Bellamy, and that was his first sign that something was wrong; the second came when she reached out to take his hand - while the two have certainly grown closer because of Clarke’s treatment, they’ve never been known to be very tactile toward one another. 

“So, her uterus is gone, as well as her omentum. Tsing is working on removing any remaining signs of cancer, but it seems that it may have spread a bit higher than she expected.”

Bellamy pulled away from her grasp to drop his head to his hands. “Oh my God.”

“Bellamy, relax, Tsing is an incredible doctor. I trust that they’re going to work their hardest to remove everything they possibly can before she’s pulled out of that room.” She raised her voice to speak over the muffled whimpers Bellamy had started to make. “And whatever is left should be taken care of during the treatment, remember that she still has many rounds of chemo to go. And there’s always radiation, and-“

“That’s the thing, though, Abby, Clarke has been very clear that she’s not going to keep trying if it doesn’t go away.” His voice was broken yet harsh, and he could tell, even from where his face was still tucked among his hands, that Abby pulled in on herself with his rough tone. 

It’s quiet for a few moments before she quietly added, “I’m sorry. I’ll come back if anything changes.”

Miller moved closer to fill the empty seat between them that the elder Griffin had just vacated. “Clarke is such a fucking champ, man,” he finally comments. “She’s not going to let your ass go this easily.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Bellamy snorted before stretching back out and running his hands over his face and through his mussed curls. “God, this girl is going to make me go gray.”

Miller laughed, short and easy. “Better hope not, there’s no way you get lucky enough to be a hot old dude.”

 

 

 

Bellamy was pissed. At the world, for thinking that Clarke deserved this after all of the good she had done to help others; at her, for being so stubborn and refusing to say anything when she first started to notice that something was wrong; and finally, at himself, for not being able to walk into the recovery room once she was cleared for visitors.

Octavia found him pacing along the hallway outside of the block of rooms. “She asked for you, right after she woke up. Seemed really upset that you weren’t there.”

“O, please don’t. I know I’m being selfish, I don’t need you to yell at me.”

“What’s wrong, Bell? You’ve been waiting all day for this, don’t you want to see her again?”

He stopped just short of the nurse’s station and slid to the floor, back against the counter. “How the hell didn’t I notice, O? She slept in my bed every night, basically. How did I not see her start to lose weight? Or notice that she was in pain more often than her period would suggest?” He looked lost, and finally, he added, “I just can’t stop thinking that this is my fault. I should have known, and I should have forced her to get checked out.”

“Bellamy, that’s bullshit, how on earth were you supposed to know? Mom’s sickness crept up on us overnight, it was nothing like Clarke’s, there was no way you could have known.” After hesitating for a moment, she joined him on the tile. “Regardless of what happens, Clarke - your wife - is scared as hell and waiting to see you to know that everything is going to be okay.”

He groaned and pulled Octavia into his side, his arm around her shoulders. “How’d you get so wise, kid?”

“I had someone pretty smart raise me.”

“Suck up,” he muttered with a smile. Bellamy took a deep breath and then stood, pulling Octavia with him. “Guess I should stop pacing and go see her.”

“Yeah, probably a good idea. I’ll go meet Raven in the lobby, she should be here soon.” He waited until she had reached the bank of elevators before he squared his shoulders and walked down the hall, stopping once he reached Room 100.

This moment was why he hadn’t wanted to come to the room; the moment when he pulled the curtain aside and had to see her pale, shrunken body covered in tubes and bruises laid out in the seemingly giant hospital bed.

He stood staring at her for what felt like ages before she murmured a noise that sounded somewhat like his name. “Bell?”

“Fuck, Clarke. Oh my God.”

She managed a weak laugh before it was cut off with a groan as she tried to turn her head toward him. “No, really, tell me how I truly look. I thought the colors of this gown were really working for me.”

“Well, I’m glad your humor isn’t gone,” he stated dryly as he moved toward her, grabbing the hand that was most accessible to him. 

She smiled and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “Nope, just my uterus.”

 - - - -

**may**

Recovery was like hell on earth for Clarke; she thought she was miserable in the weeks before surgery, but being told that she needed to stay in bed for most of the day until her body had healed somehow managed to make her attitude worsen. 

Dr. Tsing had removed all visible signs of cancer, and she had left Clarke’s room the day after the surgery seeming very positive about the outcome after the remaining rounds of chemo. Though Clarke seemed happy in that moment, the positive attitude didn’t stick around. 

“Clarke, you’re basically getting to order Bellamy around for the next few weeks, isn’t that awesome?” Jasper tried to bargain when he and Maya stopped by to bring flowers. 

She rolled her eyes. “What would be really awesome would be to get my life back, but sure, as long as I get to boss him around.”

Her mood didn’t improve after Tsing lifted her bedrest order, either; in fact, it seemed to take a sharp downfall as summer break got closer. When Bellamy tried to ask her what was wrong, she simply replied, “My life” and then rolled her eyes before turning Netflix back on.

Bellamy tried to wait it out, recognizing that something this life-altering was sure to have an effect on her, but after she tried to tell him she wanted to get a divorce two weeks after school let out during one of her rounds of chemo, he lost his patience. 

“I guess I just don’t understand where you’re coming from, Clarke, and honestly? You’re being kind of a bitch.” He tried to keep his voice down, aware that just feet away others were struggling through their own treatments, but Clarke didn’t seem to mind. 

She scoffed loudly. “You know what, Bellamy, sometimes I think life would have just been better for the two of us if I had just died.” He had put up with a lot of shit that had come from her mouth lately, but that statement hurt the hardest. Damn it if he was going to start crying in the middle of the doctor’s office, though. 

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” he got out through gritted teeth. “I for one am really glad you didn’t, but if you aren’t happy with me anymore, you don’t have to stay.”

“Well I just might leave then.” He doesn’t respond, and it didn’t seem like she cared. “As long as we’re being honest, I don’t really want to see you right now, so if you could call Raven and ask her to come pick me up when my session is over I’d appreciate it.”

He felt his heart breaking as he looked at her, but when her expression didn’t waver, he stood up. “Ok. I’ll be at home if you want to talk when you’re done.” She remained silent. “I love you,” he muttered, turning to leave the cubicle and wander down the rows of other patients until he reached the exit to the lobby.  

 

 

“She’s depressed,” Abby stated easily as Bellamy picked up his coffee from the register and slid the cup through a sleeve - one that Clarke had knit him during a previous round of treatment, no less. “It’s common with all of the medications they have her on, and it’s probably especially present right now because she isn’t spending as much time outside getting fresh air and appreciating life.”

The found a booth in the back corner of the coffee shop and sat down. “That’s fair, but she told me she wished she had died and then said she wanted a divorce. Doesn’t that seem kind of extreme?”

“Honestly Bellamy,” Abby shrugged, “the most you can probably do at this point is be patient. You can keep trying to ask what’s wrong, but I don’t know how long it’s going to take her to open up. This completely changed her life, surely you understand where she’s coming from?”

 

 

Bellamy tried to keep Abby’s words in mind as he walked into their house later that evening, once he was sure that Raven had gone home after their impromptu girls’ afternoon, but it was hard to do so when the first thing Clarke did was glare at him. 

“I thought you said we were done.”

He wondered for a moment if maybe he had walked into an alternate reality. “Uh… no, I don’t think I ever said that. _You_ said you were done, but I didn’t.”

“Still, why are you here?” She looked away, apparently having already lost interest in the conversation, and continued scrolling through their Netflix queue. 

Bellamy moved to stand in front of the TV, hands going to his hips to block her view. “No. I’m not going to keep letting this slide. I know your mom said to wait it out, but-“

She sat up as quickly as she could, hand going to her head as she did so - because she was dizzy, he assumed. “You went to my _mother_? Abby is not available to be your therapist when you need to go running with your tail between your legs to complain about me, okay, she is _my_ mom. Frankly, how dare you think that she would ever side with yo-“

“Clarke, seriously, shut up. I’m done, and I need to talk, and then I’m going to leave and spend the night at Miller’s. Got it?” She looked surprised at his tone, not used to being talked back to despite her shitty behavior as of late. “Abby said I needed to wait and let this run its course, but I don’t think that this is just the standard cancer-slash-medication triggered depression she keeps trying to lead me to believe. I know you, and I know that something else is going on. If you have any ounce of respect left for me, please just tell me what it is and I will leave you alone. Please.”

She looked away and was quiet for so long that he started to wonder if she was just going to ignore him. 

“Clarke.”

“I don’t get why you still want to be with me,” she finally responded, voice smaller than he had heard in weeks. “My hair is so thin that at this point I might as well shave it off, and I look so old that some kid tried to give me the senior’s discount at McDonalds last weekend, and everything that you loved about my body is gone.”

“Clarke, I wasn’t that attached to your uterus,” he tried to weakly joke. She turned her glare back on him, but this time he could see sadness behind it. 

“Har har. You know what I mean, Bellamy. On top of all of that, I _feel_ like I’m not the same person anymore, not just because of the way I look but no one wants to be real with me anymore, always tip-toeing around and trying to appease me, and I just need things to go back to normal. These drugs are wiping all of my energy, and I miss work, like really miss it, in a way I didn’t think I ever would.”

She stopped talking, but he could tell she had more she wanted to say, so he waited. 

“I don’t know why but for some reason lashing out at everyone has just seemed easier. Like, ugh, I don’t know how to say this - like I couldn’t control how others were treating me, but I could control how much of a bitch I was being to them? It gave me some sense of power back, and I’ve been craving that.” She snorted. “God, that sounds so shitty, it’s no wonder you’re fed up with me.

He moved to sit down on the recliner, keeping his distance in case she was still mad. “Clarke, I’m going to be completely honest, everything you just said is utter bullshit.” She huffed, but he could see her lips pulling into a small smile. “Yeah, you look different, but it’s because you fucking _kicked cancer’s ass_ , I don’t give a shit if you lose your hair - we’re all going to one day anyway. As for everything else, well, yeah, you’ve been kind of a huge dick lately, there’s no way to sugarcoat that. Still, that’s an easy one to fix. Just apologize, be the honest woman I know you are, and tell everyone what’s up. I’m sure they’ll be glad to get to return to a sense of normalcy as well.”  
****

She sighed. “That sounds a lot easier that it’s going to be, though. Do you know how much shit I’m going to get from them when I try to say sorry?” It was his turn to laugh, and he could already feel the weight lifting off of their shoulders. “I’m sorry and I love you, what can I do to make things better?”

“First of all, stop threatening to leave me, that would be rad.”

“Done.”

“Cool. Second item of business: since you have two weeks until your next treatment, I think it’s time we finally took our honeymoon. Want to just go find some cabin by the lake and hide until we have to return to reality?”

She pulled herself up and groaned as she stretched out her aching bones before dropping herself in his lap. As she leaned her head on his shoulder, she said, “Sounds absolutely perfect, honestly.” After a moment she added, “I’m really, really looking forward to it, actually. You don’t know how hard it’s been to have to try to push you away these past few weeks.”

“Sorry I was such an inconvenience,” he responded wryly, turning his neck to kiss the top of her head.

 

 

 

Bellamy returned to the cabin they had found on AirBNB after a grocery run to find Clarke sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, an electric razor in front of her feet and an old _Good Housekeeping_ magazine in her lap. When he shut the door and moved to start putting the groceries away, she looked up and smiled. 

“I have a project for us.”

At this, he turned wearily and gave her a questioning look. 

She put the magazine aside and crawled to the end of the bed, leaning back to grab the razor. “I want you to shave my head, and in return I get to remove that god-awful mustache you’ve been trying - and failing - to grow.”

“Wait, I thought you liked my scruff?”

She rolled her eyes. “Relax, Bell, I love the scruff when it’s intended to one day become a beard. The mustache, though… I don’t know, it just creeps me out. I can’t stare at you like this for two weeks.”

“Wow, I don’t know Clarke, I just feel really lied to right now. Like, I came out here to have a good time and-“

“Ok we’re done, I’m going to kill those high schoolers for teaching you about memes. I thought history kids were supposed to be nerds?”

He stuck his tongue out. “You’re just jealous that I know more about youth culture than you do.”

She glared at him for a long moment. “Are you done? I’ve been waiting for like 40 minutes and I really want to do this before I start to overthink it.” He stuck his hand out for the razor and she let him take it before pulling off the baseball cap she had taken to wearing. “Can you go grab the mirror from the bathroom? I’m going to start cutting some of the longer chunks off.”

It took Bellamy longer than he expected to find the handheld mirror, but when he returned to the main room of the cabin he saw Clarke surrounded by scraps of blond. He expected her to be upset by this, and to talk her down from another breakdown similar to the one she had had days before, but when he sat down in front of her with the mirror she just smiled. 

“Ready for the fun part?” He laughed and plugged the razor into the outlet in the wall. Clarke turned so that her back was to him, and Bellamy pulled himself to his knees so he could better reach the top of her head. 

He hesitated before he put the blade to her scalp. “You’re sure about this?”

“Bell, I’ve already hacked most of it off, I’m pretty committed,” she stated with a wry smile. “Just go already, come on! I’ve hyped myself up, and now I really just want to see what shape my skull is.”

“If you insist. 1, 2…” He put the razor to her head and, slowly, removed the remainder of the thin locks from her scalp. When he moved to check the front of her face, he saw that she had her eyes closed and a hopeful smile, not even bothering to watch with the mirror he had found. When he thought he was done, he shut the razor off and ran his hand across her back. “Okay, done.”

Her eyes slowly fluttered open, and she turned to look at him face-on. “Well? Thoughts?”

“You look… honestly, kind of badass,” he conceded with a laugh. “Yeah, I like it. You look happy, Clarke.” 

She looked down, her eyes closing for a brief moment before she reached out for the mirror. “Damn… my head is shaped _so weirdly_!” She laughed, looking back up at him. “Thanks, Bell.”

He leaned forward to kiss her lightly before he remembered his side of the deal. “So, you really want to make me get rid of Larry?”

“The fact that you named it just makes me even more excited to shave that off. This razor won’t work though, go get the one out of my bag on the counter.” When he looked at her in disbelief she just smiled and kissed him again. “If we don’t get rid of that monstrosity right this minute I’m never going to do that again. Please. I love you.” 

He sighed and got up, grabbing his razor and shaving gel. “I have to get a cup with water, hold this.” She took the items from his hand with a giddy smile and watched as he walked to the kitchen area. When he returned, she motioned for him to sit and then she crawled onto his legs, straddling his hips. 

“Remember that I’m doing this out of love.” He ran a hand over her newly shaved head and sighed. 

“Just get it over with, please.”

It took her a moment to find the right angle, but once she got it she was done in a few motions. “There! You look like the grump I remember now, not the creepy guy from a 70s porno.” He laughed, waiting until she sat the razor down to pull her in close and wrap his arms around her back. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Bellamy softly said, “I’m glad we’re not fighting anymore. I understand where you were coming from, but that was so painful, Clarke.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled into his chest. “I’m going to be better about accepting that this is my life now, I promise.”

He squeezed her gently and kissed her bare scalp. “You are a new woman now, after all. What better time to embrace it?”

**\- - - -**

**september, two years later**

Bellamy dropped his keys into the dish by the front door and slipped out of his shoes before he wandered into the living room; like he expected, Clarke was still on the couch, in a position very similar to the one she had been in before he left earlier that morning. 

“Hey, we need to have a talk.”

“So talk,” she muttered, trying to get her needle through the thick yarn for the sweater she had been attempting to make all week. 

He sat next to her feet and pulled them into his lap, patting her knee to get her attention. “An Ancient-Aliens-level talk like the one we had a few years ago, remember? Come on, I need you to pay attention to me.”

She sighed. “Bell, seriously, I’m so close to figuring this stitch out.” Still, she dropped the needles into her lap and turned to better face him. “What is it?”

“I found a girl.”

Bellamy watched as her face dropped in confusion. “Like, in a bar? As in, you found someone to leave me for?”

“God, no, I thought we’d moved on from you trying to get rid of me. Just listen for like two seconds without interrupting please.” She rolled her eyes at his dramatics, but didn’t say anything else. “I’ve been meeting with Anya once a week for about a month, she’s that social worker Monty suggested when he mentioned that he and Miller were interested in adoption.”

At that, Clarke’s eyes lit up. “You mean you found a girl… for us?”

“I found a girl for us.” Clarke’s hand shot up to cover her mouth. “She’s not quite 10, but Anya says she’s been in different homes for a few years now and she’s really hoping to settle down soon. I looked over her profile and, I don’t know Clarke, I just had a really good feeling.”

“Bell…” Clarke didn’t cry often; she liked to pretend it was because she was still a Badass Bitch, as she so often said, but he knew that her new medication prevented her from crying most days. Still, he thought he saw her eyes begin to get wet. “Can I meet her?” she finally asked. 

His thumb started to rub along her ankles, his smile growing larger. “I haven’t met her yet, but before we call Anya I need to just make sure. You’re for sure in, right? I know we talked about doing something like this not that long after your diagnosis, but I need to make sure that this is what you still want, not just something you’re doing for me.”

“I want it, Bell,” she quickly stated. “I know that life happens for a reason, or whatever, but the past few months I’ve been really upset by all of the pregnancy announcements that come across my Facebook feed. That was something I really wanted for us, you know? But since I can’t physically do that anymore… yeah, I want this. I want to give her a better life.”

The grin that had been present since he left Anya’s office broke free across his face. “I’ll make the call.”

 

 

They met Madi a few days later, and loved her sharp wit and stubborn attitude immediately. 

“I don’t know, she kind of reminds me of this other chick I know…” Bellamy teased as they drove away from the foster home after that first meeting. Clarke pinched his bicep, but she couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of her mouth. 

It took some time to process all of the paperwork, and Anya had to supervise a few more meetings before everything was finalized and they got to bring Madi home, but for all intents and purposes she was _theirs_.  

 

 

After two more months of home-stays and one-on-one ‘dates,’ Anya finally called with the good news. “It’s a bit early, but Merry Christmas, Bellamy. Paperwork’s all done, you can come get her anytime you’re free today.” She briefly explained what they’d need to do once they arrived at the home, but Bellamy had a hard time concentrating on that. Once she had hung up he sprinted down the hall to find Clarke working on a project in their office. 

“She’s ours.”

Though her medications had switched a bit since she was first put on them, Clarke still wasn’t able to cry much if at all, but Bellamy didn’t think he was making up the tears that started to form in her eyes. “Can we go now?” she asked, already closing the laptop and standing to grab her shoes from under the desk.

**\- - - -**

**december**

Bellamy had expected the transition of introducing Madi into their lives to be more difficult for all parties involved, but surprisingly, so far the worst part of it all had been deciding what to call each other. Madi had chosen to continue calling them Clarke and Bellamy for the time being, but she didn’t seem to get upset when someone outside of their home slipped up with the mom/dad label. 

She got along well with their friends, and seemed to like the new school district she had been switched to for the last month of classes - which he was grateful for, because one of his biggest concerns was that she would be teased because of Bellamy’s status as her history teacher. Still, it seemed like everyone in the house was happy for winter break when it came. 

Clarke had been acting weird in the week before Christmas, just as she had the year before, but Bellamy knew that it was probably just because she wasn’t able to keep the diagnosis far from her mind. It was obvious that she was trying to turn it into more of a celebration this year, though, and he knew it was because the knowledge of Clarke’s cancer made Madi nervous.

 

They decided to take her out for dinner and to see the newest Star Wars movie, and it was going well until Clarke left for the bathroom in the middle of the showing. When she didn’t return after fifteen minutes, Bellamy started to worry. 

“Hey, Mads? I’m gonna go check on her, want to stay or come with?”

She looked away from the screen and frowned. “I’ll come with. Was that a test?”

He pulled one of her braids. “You passed. C’mon, grab her purse.”

Bellamy was already planning on heading into the women’s bathroom himself to look for Clarke, but he stopped short when he found her sitting on a bench along the wall outside of their theater. 

“Clarke?”

She looked up, exhaustion clear on her face. “Hey, Bell. So, um, don’t freak, but I kind of passed out,” she said with a weak smile. “A really nice employee came to help me up, though, and I got some water. I’m just sitting here now.” She seemed to notice Madi standing behind him, and she pulled the girl over to sit next to her. “Was the movie over? You didn’t have to come out here yet, I was just going to wait.”

“Bellamy was going to check on you and I’m not supposed to be left alone.” Clarke looked up at him and this time her grin was real. _Such a dad_ , she mouthed before looking back at Madi.

“Well I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the end of the movie, maybe we can come back later this week though. For now I think maybe I’d like to go snuggle up on the couch, if that’s okay with you guys.”

Bellamy put his hand out to pull her up, and Madi followed. He put his arm around Clarke’s shoulders, and as they walked out he felt Madi slid her own hand into his free one. Without drawing attention to it, he simply squeezed her smaller fingers and continued to guide the two outside into the cold December winds.   

 

 

Clarke set up a scan after Christmas, and she got the results the following day. The cancer was back, though not as much as the last time, but now there was the threat of it spreading to her bones. As soon as Madi was in bed that night she cried for the first time in years, wrapped around Bellamy as he thread his fingers through her short hair.

**\- - - -**

**january**

“Knock knock.” Clarke was standing at the door to their office, having just woken up from a nap. “Madi still with O?” she asked as she moved to lean against the desk. 

“Yeah, I’m not picking her up until 4. How are you feeling?”

Her smile was small as she reached out to grab his hand and intertwine their fingers. “I didn’t sleep much, too busy thinking. And… I’m going to go ahead with the radiation.”

“Clarke-“

“I know, I know that I said I didn’t want to last time, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and Dr. Tsing said it would probably be more effective long-term than more chemo. And I don’t want you to think that you weren’t enough Bellamy, because honestly I probably would have done it before if it meant I didn’t have to leave you, but now that I have Madi to think of… I don’t know, I guess it just puts a new perspective on things.”

He hit save on the notes he had been working on for the following semester and then pulled her into his lap. “If that’s what you want, Clarke, then we’ll call Tsing’s office tomorrow to try to get it scheduled. I just don’t want you to have to put yourself through more pain if you don’t want to.”

“I think, in the end, it would be more painful to count down the days until I had to lose you two knowing that there was still a chance.” His heart hurt looking at the sadness obvious in her eyes, but he knew she wouldn’t do this if she didn’t truly think it was the best option. Bellamy leaned down to kiss her soft waves, pulling her closer toward him.

 

 

Dr. Tsing wasn’t able to fit Clarke in until the end of that week to discuss the plan for her treatment, and it left Bellamy anxious and unable to focus on much else besides taking care of Madi and watching over Clarke - despite her constant reassurances that she was a ‘grown-ass woman’ who could take care of herself, ‘goddammit Bellamy.’ 

He felt like his entire body was shaking as the two of them waited for Tsing the morning of the appointment. “This feels backward,” he muttered after five minutes. “Why are you comforting me? I should be the one making sure you’re okay.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and squeezed his hand again. “But you look like such a sad little puppy, am I supposed to just ignore that?” she joked with a small smile. Bellamy was about to respond when a knock sounded. 

“Clarke, how are you?” Tsing asked as she entered the room, trailed by a group of medical students. He’s sure Clarke responded, but Bellamy felt his head begin to grow dizzy and suddenly his ears were ringing. It wasn’t until Clarke poked his bicep repeatedly that he came to again, just in time to hear her start to go over the details of the radiation therapy. 

Tsing read from the clipboard in front of her. “We’ll have you come in five times over the course of a week for half hour sessions; at the moment I’m only going to schedule you for the one week’s worth of treatments, but in a few months when we get the results back we’ll see if more is necessary.” _Fuck._ “Most cancers such as yours typically see the best results with external therapy, so you won’t have to stay in the hospital for any extended periods of time after each session, and you won’t have to deal with the risk of irradiating anyone around you as those with the internal treatment typically do.” _Fuck fuck fuck._ He hadn’t even considered the fact that that could be a risk, and with Madi at home…

His mind spinning again, Bellamy stopped listening to Tsing and instead focused on the feel of Clarke’s fingers against his palm. 

“Bell, we’re done.” He looked up minutes later to see Tsing leaving the room, the students trailing behind her again. Clarke was pulling away from him and standing to grab her purse. When Bellamy didn’t move to get up, she turned to him with a frown. “What’s up? We can go now, I just have to stop by the desk to schedule a time for the first round.”

“You can’t do this, Clarke.”

She huffed. “Bellamy, we talked about this, please just let me do what I know is right.”

“They’re going to shoot you up with lasers of fucking _radiation_ , Clarke, how does that seem like a sane idea in your mind?”

Clarke ran her hand over her head, and he could see the exhaustion on her face. He kept forgetting how tiring this was for her. “I’m going to schedule the next appointment, meet me in the car. We’ll talk about this later but right now I just want to get home.”

For Bellamy, later came the minute they stepped into the house. “I can’t let you do this, surely you can see where I’m coming from, right?”

“Don’t call me Shirley.”

“Clarke, come on, don’t be a dick about this, I’m seriously concerned.”

Her eyebrows pulled together, and she took his hand to lead him to the couch. “Why though? Are you saying you don’t want me to do this? Because I thought we talked about it and you understood my reasoning for needing to. I want to be here to see Madi grow up, and to be with you-”

“And God, Clarke, I want to do all of that with you, please don’t think I’m trying to get rid of you. I just… it’s so much, and it’s going to be hell. I didn’t hear much of what Tsing said, but some of the side effects I was reading about before just seemed awful, and I don’t get why you think this is something you’re looking at as a sacrifice or necessary action. There’s always more chemo, don’t forget about that.”

She leaned back to drop her head on the back of the couch. “I don’t want to do more chemo though Bellamy, that’s the thing. This is just a week of treatment and then we wait, doesn’t that sound better than months of biweekly treatment that may not do anything in the end?”

“Skin lesions, Clarke, and-and vomiting, and… fuck, I don’t remember what the website said, but the list wasn’t exactly short.”

“And I understand that, but I’m still choosing to risk it.” She took a deep breath and pulled her hands away from where she was rubbing her forehead. “Bell, I’m seriously exhausted, and I’ve had this new pain in my abdomen all day. All I want to do is lay down with you and watch a movie until Madi is ready to be picked up from her sleepover. We only have a week left until you have to go back to work, can’t we just enjoy the time off while you have it?”

He couldn’t stop running scenarios through his brain and overanalyzing every word she said, but he still managed to pull his lips up in the corner enough to imitate a smile. “Yeah, grab the remote and c’mere, I’ll braid your hair.” Clarke leaned over to rescue the remote from its precarious spot between the cushions before she leaned over to lay across his lap. 

Twenty minutes into the documentary he had chosen she spoke up, voice soft. “I know you’re worried, but I really think I’m doing the right thing here, and I wouldn’t make this decision if I didn’t think so. I don’t want you to think this is something I’m handling lightly.”

“I know. I love you.” He pulled her hand up from where it was curled around his thigh and kissed the edge of her palm.  

 

 

The week of Clarke’s radiation treatments nearly killed Bellamy with the stress, but he wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of side effects that came after the sessions. Clarke was fine until the third treatment, but after that the nausea appeared, followed by vomiting. It was a struggle to get her to keep anything down for days.

Wednesday of the week following the radiation was the first day back of the semester for Bellamy, and when he woke up to get ready that morning he found Clarke in the bathroom gently applying lotion to a burn across her left hipbone. She looked up with an expression of guilt when he walked into the bathroom. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to have to see it.” He didn’t know he had any heart left to break, but her saddened voice managed to do so. 

It was hard, having to work himself back into the mindset of planning lessons and grading assignments, but it seemed like getting him and Madi back into a regular routine helped lessen some of the stress Clarke carried around. 

Still, Bellamy hated coming home in the afternoons to find her sleeping on the couch, or the kitchen floor, or any other flat surface that was close and could provide her with a place to rest. The protective instincts within him ached at the site of her on the ground, curled into a ball with a hand delicately covering her abdomen; he hated knowing that anyone he loved was in pain without having anything he could do to solve it.

“Bell, I’m just happy to be here,” Clarke would say anytime he commented on her current health.

It didn’t take long for her to regain some of her strength, however, and once she was able to start eating regularly again, she got back into art and started taking requests from clients. He could slowly see her become herself again, and he had never been so happy to see her smile as he was in those little moments.

 - - - -

**february**. 

Clarke had an appointment during the first week of February to check her cancer marker, and when her test results were posted the following day, Bellamy honestly thought he might die of joy. 

“You did it?” Madi asked timidly from her spot at the kitchen table. Clarke looked up from her phone, grinning, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth.

Bellamy had walked in in the middle of the conversation, and his heart stopped when he realized what they were talking about. “Wait, did the results come back? Are you done?”

“I’m done.” She barely got the word out before he had pulled her up from her chair, Madi’s homework knocked off the table in his haste to pull Clarke into his arms. “Mads, come here,” she called a moment later. The young girl got up and let Bellamy wrap her between them. 

He held them in his arms for as long as they would let him, but when Madi started to fidget he released his grip. 

“Are you crying, dad?”

Bellamy tried to keep his cool, his eyes sliding to Clarke’s only to see her face light up in excitement. “Uh, yeah, Mads. But this is a good day, so I don’t even care if you tell Miller and let him mock me.” He ran a hand over his face, the grin not leaving. “Yeah… good day.”

That night as they were getting ready for bed, Clarke cornered him in the bathroom. “That was the first time, right?” Bellamy nodded as he brushed his teeth. Madi had started referring to Clarke as her mom not long after the second diagnosis, and he had tried to remind himself that it would happen for him at her own pace; still, hearing her say ‘dad’ on the same day that Clarke got her good news… Bellamy was elated.

Clarke leaned against the door of the linen closet. “Today was a good day. I want to celebrate with everyone else too, tomorrow maybe? We can do a movie night with Mads and the gang, and maybe this weekend we can go out for drinks with everyone while Madi’s with my mom.”

Bellamy rinsed his toothbrush off before dropping it back into the holder, then moved to wrap her in his arms. “Sounds perfect.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write about Bellarke not being able to have kids and then this happened instead *shrug emoji* I’ve been working on this off and on for at least two years and I finally managed to finish it, I’d love to hear your thoughts! I very loosely based the details of Clarke’s diagnosis/treatment/surgery on my mom’s experience a few years ago, but my memory is a bit fuzzy so I hope it wasn’t too far off; also I know absolutely nothing about adoption, so I apologize if I got that scene wrong as well. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! You can find me on tumblr at granger--danger if you want to chat about how ridiculously long and torturous this hiatus has been


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